Sunday, March 21, 2004
Very Long Update: Rambling Thoughts on a Sunday Night.
posted by Mary |
3/21/2004 10:46:00 PM
Oh lordy, where to begin? Another week without blogging, what is happening to me? So behind on my blog-reading, so many things to tell and I am so freaking sick of my blog banner I'm ready to just change it to a standard blogger template so I don't have to look at it anymore. It was supposed to just be my "holiday" banner for pete's sake and now it's....March. Not exactly holiday season anymore.
But I digress.
In the past week I've:
Watched two of our best friends, Natalie and Greg, get married. Nat and Greg are the people who introduced me to Andrew, just one of the many reasons they are so dear to me. Their wedding was amazing, I got to spend a lot of quality time with my girlfriends and it was just an all-around good time.
and I finally.....
Made it to my first Jazzercise class, which I loved. Loved! If you: need to exercise, don't have the discipline to make yourself do it, like to dance and be goofy, I would highly recommend checking out Jazzercise. It's cheap, no contracts, you can sign up and quit at any time, it's completely fun and it's a good workout that gets your heart rate up and makes you break a sweat but without feeling like you're going to die of a heart attack while "I Like to Move it" blares in the background and women in flared leggings just step over your body as you lay twitching on the floor of the LA Fitness aerobics room. So, uh, a big YES to Jazzercise! Hurrah for Jazzercise! Yay!
Okay, moving on. Then I......
started my second week at the new job, which I felt I was finally starting to get the hang of, when......
I was called into the director's office and given a memo outlining all the things I had done wrong in the past two weeks including a few goof-ups on bookstore orders ("Mr. So and So was not an active member but you let him pay the reduced membership price.") and citing a dress code violation ("You have worn blue jeans twice now, despite the dress code specifying that they are to be wore on Fridays only.") Okay, they were freakin' Jones New York denim trousers, people! Trousers! Not jeans! And I wore then with heels and a blazer, not Nikes and a sweatshirt! and then, the memo ended up saying that I had not taken initiative to ask other department members what I could assist them with. Because I had only been there for. Two. Weeks! I thought I was still in the training, get-to-know-your job position but apparently the expectations were a little higher than I thought they were.
Basically, the director sat there and read this memo to me with a straight face, while the co-worker who was the person training me sat in a chair looking like a cat that had eaten a canary. I started getting a very bad, no-good feeling in the pit of my stomach. The trainer/co-worker had been working with me for two weeks and had been nice as can be, never correcting anything I did or letting me know of any problems. She spoke rather viciously of the person who had held this position before I did and I thought, "Wow. That person must have really sucked." But now....hmmmm....I feel differently. I feet like, for whatever reason, this co-worker wanted to sabotage me. And I do not know why. I have never experienced anything like this before in my work and it made me feel sick.
I was shaking when I walked out of the room. I went home and told Andrew everything. I walked into work the next morning and I quit. I still felt shakey but I felt like I was doing the right thing. I told the director that her memo and her meeting where totally demeaning and that I couldn't work in that kind of environment that she and the co-worker had created. She tried to talk me into "wiping the slate clean" and giving it another chance but I held firm and I walked out. I think I presented a calm, cool front but inside I felt like a mess.
I do not know why this happened. My mom said something that I had thought about but tried to ignore, and then someone else said it too and then I heard it again. "That's what it can be like working with other women." Ugh. I feel horrible even writing that.
And I know it's not always true. I know that there are female supervisors and co-worker and trainers and all that are warm, supportive, and want you to succeed. I just don't think I was working with two of them. I feel like I was working with one who was out to get me, for whatever reason, and another who was happy to see me fall. I don't think it was about not charging someone enough money for a book or wearing denim trousers (trousers, I tell you!) or even the fact that I didn't ask for more work in the first two weeks of my job. I think it was about two people pulling a power move on me. Is this an ugly truth that I have to face or just a isolated bad experience?
I have always considered myself a "girl's girl", I find great comfort in being part of a group of women, whether it's my best girlfriends, my church luncheon group, my new Jazzercise class, my female relatives, my five-year old niece and an armload of Barbies. I like women. And sure, I've encountered plenty of women that I did not consider "girl's girls", women who were snotty when you started dating someone and suddenly they weren't the only girl in the group, or women who maybe a little too competitive at school but these are few and far between.
I don't know if it was a woman thing or me thing or just a bad experience thing. Because I was burnt out and wanted a job with less stress, I took a position that was a little below my skill set and maybe this is what happens when you take a so-called menial job, you get treated like a menial person. But why should that happen to anyone?
I just know it left me feeling horrible and humiliated and I feel like a complete flake for quitting a new job two weeks into it. I don't want to be a flake. Or a quitter. Don't get me wrong, I am glad I was able to quit and retain some of my dignity. And I look forward to finding another position in my field and hopefully I'll find another job soon and just look back on this as a bad episode. And there's certainly plenty to do around the house to keep my busy until I do find a job.
But still.....ugh. I hate that it happened. First the bad experience with leaving my old company and then this. Did I pick up some bad job karma somewhere along the way? I feel like an idiot for taking the job in the first place but I was so excited to find something that was close to home and with good hours and I'm not sorry that I left my old job because it was time for a change but....I'm just a little freaked out by it all but I can't think too much about being unemployed because then I really start feeling freaked out.
Gosh. This is a pretty long blog. Still, it feels good to get all this out of my system. "Why no! I don't have any pent-up frustrations, whatever do you mean? Everything is just.....fine!" ***twitch twitch****
Starting tomorrow, I promise to resume regular blogging and will get back to such fascinating topics as "Wallpaper Removal and You", "How Long Will Three Boxes of Thin Mints Last When You Are Home Alone All Day" and much much more. Exciting stuff going here, let me tell you.